Friday, March 25, 2011

Fear and Neglect

Photo of the Summit Trail in Sequoia National Forest at the point where Christian and I lost the trail.  We may have been a bit lost, but the view was amazing!

It's been way too long since I have posted here, and not for any reason in particular.  Mostly I have been in a rut and struggling with insecurities in school, which led to a mixture of fear and avoidance.  For me those things come hand in hand.  If I am fearing something it often times leads me to avoid doing what ever that task may be.  My fears seem pretty typical for someone working as an artist, which seems like it should be easy enough to push them aside and get over it.  But so far my fears have left me dead in my tracks, with an inability to move forward on my projects.

Lately, my list of fears seem never ending, especially at this point in school.  We are more than half way through the 2nd semester, and really close to the end of my first yr!

My list of fears goes something like this...

- Making the wrong move and focusing on the wrong thing (wasting time)
- Effectively communicate my ideas through an art quilt
- Why am I making art quilts?
- Will my work be good?
- What will others think of my work?
- What does my work say about me?
- Is my work saying the right things?
- Do I really know what I am doing?
- Why cant I figure out exactly why I love working with fabric?
- What will I do when I graduate?!

The list continues but I think that's the majority of what has my mind racing at the moment.  The interesting thing is that most of those fears are actually questions, questions that I don't have answers to but feel like I should.  And there in lies the fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Ironically everyone I talk (dept heads, mentors, teachers) to about this feeling of being lost and confused and insecure and scared, all say "Excellent, what a great place to be!"  To which my response is more confusion:( 

I am trying my best to kick these nasty fears, and all that I can do for now is try my best to be mindful of my state and realize that it will pass in time and my confidence will soon be restored. 

Also I know that buckling down and finishing one of my art quilts will give me the sense of accomplishment that I need to move forward...So what am I waiting for:)  Off to the studio I go!

Do you ever feel lost or fall into a state of fear that leads to neglect?  What kinds of things do you do to get yourself out of your rut?